Robert's Essay

As a former porn addict, I know that looking at pornography is not exclusive to the people outside the Church. Furthermore, I don’t believe the Church addresses the problem of pornography often enough nor effectively enough when it does venture into this topic.

Even as I begin to write this paper, I am bothered by the images that haunt my memories. Those same images that I once thought exciting and innocent now repulse and mortify me. The thought of once having been part of that world still sickens me. This is why I have chosen this topic: not only to expose the very depraved nature of pornography, but also as a means of therapy for myself and for others who want to be freed from its’ stench and shackles.

Looking back, I am amazed at how easily I got involved in pornography. It started out innocently enough; sin usually does. I had been shown a Penthouse magazine by a next door neighbor who was a few years older than I, sixteen to be exact; I was twelve years old at the time. Of course the images excited me and the graphic sexual stories that appeared in the “Forum,” section were a bit strange to me at first, but as they were explained to me, became thrilling as well. From that point on I was on a quest to get more images of naked women and read more stories. My neighbor was usually accommodating. Often when he had a used magazine he would give it to me. It was pretty easy to get magazines from the stores as well, even at thirteen years old. I began to develop a fairly sizeable collection.

My desire for more hard-core sexual images began to increase. The soft-core stuff like Playboy was actually beginning to bore me. I soon discovered others, too many to mention.
As I got a bit older, I was able to begin dating. My lustful desires spread over into this area quickly. Just a little petting and kissing were not fulfilling my lustful desires. I needed what I had been seeing and reading. I lost my virginity at fifteen and the girl was only thirteen. We remained sexually active until her mom found out about us. Once we had been found out, we were forbidden to see each other and the sex with her stopped.

I was quite accomplished in sports, so naturally girls were attracted to me or rather to my status. I definitely used that to my advantage and I went through several girls throughout high school. Once I got what I wanted, they either continued putting out, or they were history. I used them and tossed them like fast food waste. After all, this is how I was being indoctrinated by the magazines that I had been reading nearly daily. I didn’t see a problem with it and the girls were mostly willing participants and the ones who weren’t; well they got shoved off pretty quickly.
After graduating high school I joined the Army and soon discovered XXX-rated videos. Wow! A new venue for my perversion: I knew about them, I just hadn’t viewed one until then. This only served to increase my appetite for sex. Once again, I blazed through many women, young, old, single, or married…
Somehow, through all of these willing participants, I managed to meet my wife-to-be. We got married within six months of meeting. However, I soon discovered that I wasn’t really in love; just in lust. I wasn’t sure I even knew what love was then. Our marriage lasted not even two years.

So once again, I was on a quest for sexual fulfillment from anyone, anywhere, anytime.
Eventually, I hit bottom. I didn’t care anymore. I was into really sick and perverted sex, drugs, and alcohol. I was literally digging my way into Hell as fast as I could and always looking for a bigger shovel. I had given up on living a happy and fulfilled life.

While in my hopelessness; God had found me and pulled me out of my pit of despair. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. I had kept in contact with my ex-wife this whole time and we somehow managed to reconcile and re-marry. I knew I needed to do my part and put away the porn, as well as begin going to church and learning about this Jesus that I had accepted.
It seemed that life had taken a really positive turn for me.
But still, in the back of my mind, there was all that porn that had been a part of me for so long. You can’t just erase those images from your brain: they are burned forever into your memory. My desire for them had not gone away either.
The Internet can be so wonderful, but if used to fulfill your sinful desires; can completely destroy your life as well.
I was still going to church and even began leading a men’s ministry. Nobody had a clue as to my secret sins. For all they knew, I had the perfect life. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I didn’t know where to turn for help, or if there even was help. Nobody in church spoke of such issues. Pornography was for those unsaved sinners outside the church. I wrestled with this for several more years, not knowing how I could defeat this cancer that was taking over my life yet again. I was completely powerless to the razor sharp talons of this addiction that was again tearing away at my very being. My sickness was leading onto paths that I never thought I would journey to.
Now that you’ve experienced some of my battles, I want you to understand that my fight was not unique. The cancer of pornography can infect anyone; young, old, male, and female. Nobody is exempt. It is an addiction that plagues every area of our social and private arenas.
Yes, it is an addiction. I had previously believed that addictions were only for smokers as well as drug and alcohol users. But as I researched the subject because I needed to understand what had happened to me, I found some very mind-blowing information.
Progression from soft-core to hard-core pornography got an enormous boost in 1970 when the First Presidential Commission on Pornography issued its report. The Commission concluded that porn was harmless and even had potential therapeutic values. These findings were based on judgment by a social science research group appointed by the presidential commission. This group said, in effect, “that sexually explicit materials were a good thing and should not be inhibited in any way.” Not only did they tell us that smut was not harmful; they “perceived it to be advantageous to society, reducing sexual tensions and promising to lower the incidences of rape, child molestations, and child abuse.”
Is pornography harmful? Do people who delve into it become addicts? Does it change men’s attitude about women and sex? What happens when normal, well-adjusted people are exposed to a steady diet of X-rated materials?
Dr. Jennings Bryant, holder of the Reagan Chair of Broadcasting and director of the Institute for Communication Research at the University of Alabama, conducted a study for the 1986 Attorney General's Commission on Pornography. 600 American males and females of junior high school age and above were interviewed about their "out in real life involvement with pornography.” He found that 91% of the males and 82% of the females admitted having been exposed to X-rated, hardcore pornography. Two-thirds of the males and 40% of the females reported wanting to try out some of the sexual behaviors they had witnessed. The rate of males and females that attend church was less than a 10% difference than the national average showing virtually no difference in attitude toward pornography or sexual behavior.
And among high school students, 31% of the males and 18% of the females admitted actually doing some of the sexual things they had seen in the pornography within a few days after exposure. This clearly suggests the modeling effect or imitative-learning effect, as well as "triggering effect," that even non-violent pornography can have on human sexual behavior in some individuals.
As Dr. Jennings Bryant comments, "If the values which permeate the content of most hard-core pornography are examined, what is found is an almost total suspension of the sorts of moral judgment that have been espoused in the value systems of most civilized cultures. Forget God, trust, family, commitment, love, and marriage. Here, in this world of ultimate physical hedonism, anything goes.

The most systematic research by social psychologists on forms of pornography has been undertaken by Dr. Dolf Zillmann at the Indiana University, along with his colleagues Dr. Bryant Jennings, and James Weaver at the University of Kentucky. Dr Zillmann created controlled conditions of exposure to pornography. Without going into all the conditions, in the interest of brevity, some of his findings included the following: 1. People who are bored with ordinary porn develop an appetite for stronger more bizarre versions. 2. Men who had been massively exposed to porn came to look at rape as reasonably trivial. 3. There is less interest in love and affection as a motivation for sex. 4. A greater tendency to fantasize about the use of force in a sexual relation. 5. Exposure to porn diminished satisfaction with the physical appearance of the respondent’s sexual partner. 6. It reduced the overall satisfaction with the respondent’s present intimate relationship. 7. It enhanced the importance of sex without emotional involvement.

Syndicated columnist Jack Anderson found that a three-month investigation of cable pornography left him stunned. He says that he found sex orgies that would make Caesar blush. Anderson points out that our children are getting their sex education from these perverted programs. Usually the children gather at the homes of friends when parents are not home to view such trash.
NBC News reported in the story “The Silent Shame” that there is a firm connection between pornography and sexual abuse of children and child pornography, and that the practice of abuse is passed on from one generation to the next.
The FBI estimates that in 1996, recreational killers murdered 5,000 people. Most of those killers, officials said, fed on pornography. Also, one in four girls who are currently twelve years of age will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime. Dr. Victor B. Cline, University of Utah psychologist says that due to the over exposure of sexual imagery, the rape rate has increased by over 700 times since 1933.
Here are some shocking facts about the amount of porn that is available on the marketplace. There are approximately 3500 retail outlets dedicated to pornography. In addition there are more than 21,000 “mom-and-pop” video stores with about 75% carrying pornographic videos. There are in excess of 1,100 videos produced monthly from the pornography film makers. In America alone, porn is a seven billion dollar a year industry. It is the fourth largest money making business in the world today. Reports show that 75 to 90 percent of all pornography that is bought in this country ends up in the hands of children.

Dr. Charles Stanley, former President of the Southern Baptist Convention stated:
“Pornography is not just a money making business. It is a very shrewd, effective way to destroy our country. History shows that nations given over to sensuality have been destroyed. Pornography, sensuality, lesbianism, and homosexuality divide the mind and dull the conscience of both men and women. As it is continually pushed on our children they will be completely and absolutely anesthetized right into oblivion.”
In a magazine survey posted in Christianity Today, January 2001, it was noted that as many as 37 percent of Pastors have a problem with Internet pornography. The study also found that 75 percent of churches provide their entire staff with unquestioned access to Internet pornography.
Does anyone preach against pornography? Bill Kelly, a retired FBI officer quoted recent reports from a trial judge who asked three questions of persons in a courtroom. First was, “Have you or anyone in your family been victims of sexual abuse?” Approximately ten percent of hands were raised. Second, “Have you ever read or even just looked through the pages of a pornographic magazine?” About forty percent of hands went up. The third question was, “Have you ever heard a sermon preached on pornography or obscenity?” Not a single hand was raised, thereby solidifying the claim that the church has been silent.

The damage that pornography has done to our world is absolutely devastating. Nations have gone to war with each other for causing less damage to their societies than what has been done through pornography. Men, women, and children are suffering. We can no longer sit idly by and allow this deadly cancer to continue to permeate throughout the world. It has managed to infiltrate every aspect of our lives, in every corner of the globe.
We the Church must stand up and act forcefully to combat this world plague. We cannot wait for somebody else to go to war for us. We must fight this battle with all the might of our heavenly father.
God had to nearly kill me!!! That’s no joke. As I progressed in my secret sin without any accountability, I found it easier and easier to move away from the church. Miss a week here, then a few more go by, and then next thing you know; not going at all. Now there wasn’t anyone to ask how I was doing or to pray with me; nobody to stop my self-destruction. It is true that I had turned my back on the church because I succumbed to porn for so long with nowhere to turn to: I just simply gave in to it. I was a false convert anyway.
But, God wasn’t finished with me yet.
All along the way, several years, my youngest daughter had continued going to church and had been doing intercessory prayer for me and the rest of the family who were no longer attending church either. God had heard her prayers and through events in my life; which I now recognize; He was trying to gain my attention and draw me back to Him. He had to nearly kill me before I got the message.
I was fishing one day on the Umpqua River in western Oregon for small mouth bass. The river was running a bit fast but I was an experienced boater and wasn’t too concerned. I knew there was one rapid that may cause me trouble, but before putting in the river that day, I stopped to look it over. While looking down into the water you get no depth perception so it looked fine to me. I knew the line to take and how to row through it. All began well and we were catching some pretty nice sized fish. Nearing the end of our trek was the rapid and it was approaching fast. As we entered the beginning of it; I realized too late that the water was bigger and faster than I had expected. Upon the first wake, the boat turned sideways on me and the oar jabbed me in the side and I lost that one. The other broke on a rock as we dropped into a boil. The boat hit a rock so hard that it threw both my buddy and I out of it and right into the class 4 rapid without a life jacket. Ya, I know, pretty dumb.
I was being tossed around as if I were in a washing machine. I didn’t know which way was up, down or sideways. I don’t know how long I was under water, but I know I had no air left in my lungs. I remember clearly thinking to myself that this is how I was going to die…today. I simply knew that I was a dead man and I just gave up trying to fight the current. Suddenly, I was able to pop out of the water and get a breath. I heard people on the banks screaming to get me some help. My buddy had already made it back to shore. I didn’t think that I had enough energy to swim to shore and miraculously the current drifted me that way. As I made shore I looked at the distance that I had been under water and it was about 100 yards long. It is only by the grace of God that I didn’t smash against the rocks or take in a lung full of water, because either would have been fatal.
That harrowing experience obviously scared me. But what really scared me even more was; as I thought about what had just happened and how I just escaped death: I didn’t have the assurance of my salvation. That really rocked my world! I might have died and gone to Hell. An eternity of pain and torment; an eternity without Jesus Christ! That was unthinkable.
That night after I had dropped of my buddy and gotten home I knew that I had to change my ways and I needed to get serious about serving Jesus Christ. It was time to die to myself and throw off the things that were keeping me from a right relationship with God. I had apologized to God and asked for His forgiveness and put my trust in Him as my Lord and Savior to save me. Over the next weeks, I learned how to rightly repent and turn from my sinful lifestyle.
I started going back to church and really diving into God’s written word. I also knew that I needed some accountability to someone so I wouldn’t fall or dive back into that sin again. I met with the Pastor of the church and set up weekly meetings with him to be discipled and for accountability. We were becoming good friends, and I was learning so much more how to be a real man, not a man of the world.

I also began to learn how to recognize the triggers that would cause my mind to begin thinking of porn and those things that would lead me into temptation. I was so frustrated by al the temptations. I kept beating myself up over them until a wise person explained to me that the temptations will likely never go away. Oh, come on! Never go away? Are you kidding me? Satan had me for so long in this area that he wasn’t likely to just give up on me so easily. Temptations aren’t the problem: it’s giving into the temptation that becomes a problem. So I learned not to allow the temptations to bring me down, but to rejoice in them, having been found worthy to be tempted by the enemy of my soul.
I was using a book called Every Man’s Battle, to help me get a handle on my addiction. This book was a great tool along with the workbook to help me recognize my sexual addiction as well as giving very helpful step toward combating it. I had been attending a Celebrate Recovery Group with a friend for a time, so I could so that I was not battling this addiction alone.
Through wise counsel and integrity; I set up some safe guards for myself. I no longer watch television by myself. There are too many images and sexual connotations that can cause me to begin to fantasize. So I just don’t turn on the TV when alone. I also do not use the computer when alone. I do use it in my office at church, but I have accountability software on it so no matter where I go on the internet, I know that someone will know here I’ve been.
I’m not going to tell you that I have not seen porn; it’s all around us. We almost can’t get away from it, but the difference is; I haven’t gone looking for it and when I do see it, I turn away or leave the area that it is in. I then immediately pray that God will protect my eyes and thoughts so I won’t get hung up on the filth that can invade my mind.
God is amazing. He has taken what was once a huge part of my life that was dirty and sinful and turned it around for His glory. I now meet and counsel with other men and teens who are struggling with this addiction. I am able to really get inside with them because I know where they are having been there myself for so long. I am very open with them and they all know my story before I begin counseling them so they understand that they are not alone in their fight.
I still have my accountability partner and I know that he, my wife, and my Pastor are praying for me and knowing that is wonderful.