Randy Singer's Christmas Poem with Apologies to Dr. Seuss

HOW THE JUDGE STOLE CHRISTMAS
By Randy Singer (with thanks to Dr. Seuss) ©

Every member of Trinity liked Christmas a lot…
But the judge who lived way down in Pungo did NOT!

The judge hated Christmas! He ranted and railed.
Now please don’t ask why. He might throw you in jail.
It could be the lawyers that drove him to drinking.
It could be, perhaps, too much high judgely thinking.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

But whatever the cause, whatever the reason,
This time of the year was his least favorite season.
Staring down from his perch with a sour, judge’s look
He’d send jaywalkers to jail as if they were crooks.
For he knew every Christian in Virginia Beach
Was busy now, hanging a mistletoe wreath.

“And they’re hanging their stockings!” he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his judge fingers nervously drumming
“I MUST find a way to keep Christmas from coming.”

For tomorrow he knew…all the Beach girls and boys
Would wake bright and early they’d rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! NOISE!
His gavel was useless to silence the NOISE!

The noise drove him crazy but one thing was worse…
The Christmas Eve service at Trinity Church.
One started at 4 and the other at 9
They’d sing and light candles and get out on time.
Communion and preaching and acting so kind
“It’s cheesy,” he snarled. “And a waste of good wine.”

When what to his beady gray eyes should appear?
No, it wasn’t St. Nick and his tiny reindeer.
Far better it seemed; this might be his break!
An ACLU lawyer with a motion to make!

“We separate church and state for a reason,”
The lawyer declared. “We must ban the whole season!”
“I’m no Grinch” said the lawyer “but it just seems to me
That each aspect of Christmas from the songs to the tree
From the gifts to the candles and lights on the wreath
It’s religious in nature—you can ask any priest.”

Then the judge had a thought!
An awful idea!
The judge had a wonderful, awful idea!

“I’ll issue a Christ-out-of-Christmas injunction!
I’ll stop all the gimmicks that make Christmas function.
No more carols or gifts or that candy-striped candy
No more long Christmas sermons from that preacher named Randy
No singing at all, except the twelve days of Christmas
What’s the harm in a partridge and ten lords a-leapin’?

“I’ll just call it X-mas; I’ll change the whole branding.”
“That’s great!” said the lawyer. “That’s simply outstanding.”
The judge banged his gavel and the next case was called
But the judge couldn’t stop smiling, it was after all
An amazing event, a ruling so stunning,
No one else had been able to stop Christmas from coming,
Not the Grinch or the Puritans or even old Scrooge
But the judge had just done it. Then he went for a cruise.

He drove down the interstate straight toward the church
He turned left on Holly and pulled up with a lurch.
It was only eight-fifty but the parking was packed
He slunk into church and sat down in the back.
The altar was empty, the candles were gone,
No wreaths or poinsettias or sing-along songs.
Not a present in sight, not a ribbon or bow
Not a tree or a fruitcake or candle to glow.

And the judge watched their faces, but they didn’t seem sad
Not angry, discouraged and surely not mad.
He stared at this bunch! The judge popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every member of Trinity, the tall and the small,
Were praying and smiling in spite of it all.

He hadn’t stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the judge with his buns on the last wooden pew
Sat puzzling and puzzling, How could this be true?
It came without presents! It came without tags!
It came without packages, boxes or bags!
And he puzzled an hour, till his puzzler was aching,
And then during communion which the judge wasn’t taking,
He thought of an answer that might worth making.

“Maybe Christmas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store.
Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!”
And what happened then…?
Well, in Trinity they say
That the judge’s small heart grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight,
He discovered the reason for Christmas that night.

Then he rushed to the front of the church with a smile
And he, THE JUDGE HIMSELF, led the singing a while.